Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
