you suck at this game today
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.