I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.