I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night