I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.