There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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