Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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