i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
