even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
