i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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