Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
