Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
