You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
