I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
