you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
