I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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