Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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