If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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