Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
