and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
