no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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