i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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