Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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