living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
