the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
