he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You are the jesus of drinking
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