tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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