He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
