So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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