Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
