Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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