my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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