Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
her facebook's as public as her vagina
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
