Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
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he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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