Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
