Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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