At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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