Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
