does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Pooping to opera.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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