I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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