It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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