I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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