I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
