I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
