they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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