I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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