I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
