You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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