I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
