Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
