Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
