You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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