You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
