i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
