You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
