now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
