I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
