bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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