M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
